How to Adopt a Baby: Starting the Domestic Adoption Process

If you are wondering how to adopt a baby, you may have already discovered that figuring out where to begin can be surprisingly difficult. One website tells you to find an adoption agency. Another tells you to hire an attorney. Someone else says you need a home study first. Then you start reading about family profiles, expectant mothers, ICPC, consent laws, openness, post-placement visits, and expenses you didn't even know existed.

Suddenly, “We would love to adopt a baby” has turned into three notebooks, a legal pad, more browser tabs than you care to admit, and the uncomfortable suspicion that everyone else understands adoption except you.

They don't. Almost every prospective adoptive parent starts somewhere near the same place: hopeful, excited, a little nervous, and unsure what to do first. You do not need to understand the entire domestic adoption process today. You simply need to understand what comes next.

After nearly three decades of working with adoptive families, that is one of the most important things I can tell you. Adoption becomes much less overwhelming when you stop trying to figure out the entire journey at once.

Let's start at the beginning.

Step 1: Learn How Domestic Infant Adoption Works

Before you choose an adoption agency, hire an attorney, or start filling out paperwork, spend some time learning how domestic infant adoption actually works.

In a typical domestic infant adoption, prospective adoptive parents complete a home study and become approved to adopt. They then wait for an adoption opportunity, often working with an adoption agency, adoption attorney, or other qualified adoption professional. In many situations, an expectant mother considering adoption reviews profiles of prospective adoptive families and chooses a family she would like to get to know.

If everyone decides to move forward, the family may be considered matched with the expectant mother. Depending on when the match occurs, you might have months to prepare for the baby's birth, or you might receive a phone call telling you that the baby has already arrived.

Following the birth, the child's biological parents must complete whatever consent or relinquishment process is required under applicable state law before the adoption can proceed. If placement occurs, post-placement supervision and additional legal requirements generally follow. Eventually, the adoption is finalized in court.

That's the domestic adoption process in very broad strokes. There are plenty of details ahead, but you don't need to memorize them before you begin. Your first job is simply to understand the basic process and then start asking good questions.

Step 2: Decide Whether Domestic Infant Adoption Is Right for Your Family

Before asking, “How do we adopt a baby?” spend some time asking another important question: “Is domestic infant adoption right for us?”

There is no single type of adoptive family. Adoptive parents may be married couples, single parents, LGBTQ+ parents, families who already have children, or people becoming parents for the first time. What matters is your ability to provide a loving, stable home and your willingness to learn about the realities and responsibilities of adoption.

Domestic adoption also asks prospective parents to think about things they may never have considered before. You will need to explore your feelings about open adoption, relationships with birth families, prenatal medical and substance-exposure histories, financial and legal risk, race and culture, and the uncertainty that can exist before placement.

You do not need perfect answers to all of those questions before you begin. You do need to be willing to learn and honest with yourself about what you can and cannot comfortably handle.

Some of the beliefs you have about adoption today may change as you become better educated. That isn't a sign that you weren't prepared to adopt. Often, it is a sign that you are becoming better prepared.

Step 3: Choose the Right Adoption Agency or Adoption Attorney

Choosing your adoption professionals is one of the most important early decisions you will make. Depending on your state and the type of adoption you pursue, you may work with a licensed adoption agency, an adoption attorney, or a combination of professionals. You will also need a qualified provider to complete your adoption home study.

Take your time with this decision. Prospective adoptive parents are understandably eager to get started, and sometimes the first professional who says, “We can help you adopt a baby,” can sound like the answer to every prayer you've whispered for the past several years.

This is the point where I want you to slow down just a little and ask questions. Lots of them.

How many domestic infant placements did the agency complete last year? How many prospective adoptive families are currently waiting? What are their typical wait times? What services do they provide to expectant parents? What happens financially if a match does not result in placement? Which fees are refundable and which are not? How are expectant-parent expenses handled? What support is available to birth parents after placement?

Pay attention not only to what an adoption professional tells you, but also to how you are treated when you ask. A good adoption professional should educate you, not pressure you. Asking about fees, risks, policies, ethics, or statistics does not make you difficult.

This is your family. You are allowed to ask questions.

Step 4: Complete Your Adoption Home Study

The words adoption home study make many prospective adoptive parents nervous. I sometimes think the name itself is responsible for half the anxiety because it sounds terribly official.

A home study is not an inspection to determine whether you have achieved some imaginary standard of perfect adulthood. Your social worker isn't interested in whether your towels match, whether there are dishes in the sink, or what's lurking in your junk drawer. If you have a junk drawer, congratulations. You already have something in common with most parents.

An adoption home study is an assessment and educational process designed to determine whether you are prepared and eligible to adopt. Your provider will gather documents, conduct required background checks, interview you, review information about areas such as your health and finances, and visit your home. Exact requirements vary by state and by the type of adoption you are pursuing.

Your home doesn't need to be perfect. It needs to be safe and appropriate for a child. You don't need a fully decorated nursery, designer baby furniture, or a refrigerator organized into clear containers with matching labels.

Your social worker wants to learn about you—your family, relationships, childhood, support system, reasons for adopting, and ideas about parenting. The home study should also help prepare you for adoption rather than simply check boxes on a form.

Many families finish the process wondering why they were so nervous about it in the first place.

Step 5: Understand the Cost of Adopting a Baby

The cost of adopting a baby is often one of the most intimidating parts of domestic adoption. Private domestic infant adoption can involve substantial expenses, and families need to understand those costs before signing contracts or paying large fees.

Ask each professional for a written fee schedule and find out exactly what is included. Depending on your adoption, you may encounter home study fees, agency or attorney fees, family-profile expenses, legally permitted expectant-parent expenses, legal fees, travel costs, post-placement expenses, and finalization costs.

You should also understand what happens financially if an expectant mother decides to parent her baby. She has every right to make that decision, and prospective adoptive parents need to know in advance which expenses may or may not be recoverable if a planned adoption does not result in placement.

The numbers can feel discouraging when you first see them. Try not to decide immediately that adoption is financially impossible. Families may use savings, employer adoption benefits, grants, fundraising, financing, the federal adoption tax credit when eligible, or a combination of resources.

Learn what your adoption is likely to cost before deciding how you will pay for it. A realistic budget is much easier to manage than a series of financial surprises.

Step 6: Create an Authentic Adoptive Family Profile

Once your home study is underway or completed, depending on your adoption professional's process, you may begin creating your adoptive family profile. This is the printed or digital presentation that introduces your family to an expectant mother considering adoption.

Families frequently become very nervous about this part. Suddenly, their house isn't big enough, their vacations aren't exciting enough, their hobbies aren't interesting enough, and the dog apparently needs professional headshots.

Please don't audition for your own family.

You aren't competing for the role of Perfect Adoptive Family, and your family profile isn't a casting call. Let an expectant mother see the real people behind the photographs—the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends who may become part of her child's life; what you enjoy doing on weekends; your home and community; your traditions; and yes, even the dog who refuses to look at the camera.

Your goal isn't for every expectant mother who sees your profile to choose you. It's to give her an honest picture of your family so she can decide whether yours may be the family she envisions for her child.

Step 7: Prepare for the Domestic Adoption Wait

Once you are home-study approved and your family profile is active, you enter what can be one of the most emotionally difficult parts of the domestic infant adoption process: waiting.

Many agencies currently tell families to prepare for approximately 8 to 24 months to be matched with an expectant mother, although this is an average rather than a guarantee. Some prospective adoptive parents match much sooner, while others wait longer.

Waiting does not mean you are doing something wrong. Domestic adoption isn't a first-come, first-served system, and another family matching after three months does not mean they somehow did adoption better than you. An expectant mother may be looking for qualities that particular family happens to have. Another expectant mother may eventually see something in your family that makes her want to learn more about you.

When families become discouraged by the wait, I remind them of something important: you aren't waiting for just any adoption opportunity. You're waiting for a situation that feels right for your family and for an expectant mother who believes your family may be right for her child.

That distinction matters. The goal isn't to get matched as quickly as possible. A fast match isn't necessarily a better match, and you should never feel pressured to accept an adoption situation simply because you are tired of waiting. The right decision needs to make sense for everyone involved, especially the child.

Waiting is still hard. There is no inspirational quotation powerful enough to make twelve months feel like three weeks. Give yourself permission to acknowledge that without assuming the wait means something is wrong.

Keep living your life while you wait. Take the vacation. Go to the wedding. Celebrate your anniversary. Buy the concert tickets. Adoption has a remarkable ability to produce a phone call at the least convenient possible moment, and if that happens, you will figure it out.

Step 8: Learn About Open Adoption Before You Are Matched

Many prospective adoptive parents are initially nervous about open adoption, and sometimes that fear comes from simply not knowing what openness will mean for their future family.

Open adoption can range from sharing photos and updates to an ongoing relationship that includes texts, phone calls, visits, holidays, or other forms of contact. Every relationship is different, and openness should evolve around the child's needs and the people involved.

One question I sometimes hear from prospective adoptive parents is, “Will my child still see me as Mom if she knows and loves her birth mother?”

Your child's relationship with members of her birth family does not have to diminish her relationship with you. These are different relationships with different roles. Ideally, your child should grow up knowing that she never has to protect one person she loves by hiding her love for someone else.

You don't need to know exactly what your future open adoption will look like before you've even met the people who will be part of it. You should, however, educate yourself enough to make honest commitments when discussing openness with an expectant parent.

Never promise a level of contact simply because you think it will help you get chosen.

Step 9: Understand What Happens When You Are Matched

Getting the call is the moment prospective adoptive parents imagine throughout the wait. Your adoption professional may contact you about an expectant mother who would like to consider your family, or you may learn that she has already chosen you. You will receive information about the adoption situation and decide whether you are comfortable moving forward.

This is when all the education you did earlier becomes incredibly important. You may be reviewing available medical information, prenatal history, requested openness, financial considerations, legal risks, travel requirements, and other details while another part of your brain is shouting:

There's a baby!

Those are two very different parts of your brain trying to operate at exactly the same time.

Take the time your professionals allow you. Ask questions. Consult appropriate medical or legal professionals when necessary. Excitement should never prevent you from making thoughtful decisions.

Sometimes the timing itself will surprise you. You might be matched months before the baby's expected birth. You might also receive a phone call like one I once received from a couple I was coaching.

“She's in the hospital.”

“Who?”

“The expectant mother.”

“Okay…”

“She's having the baby.”

“Today?”

“Yes! What do we do?”

My initial response was, “I don't know. Tell me what's happening.”

This was not because I had suddenly forgotten everything I knew about adoption. “She's having the baby today!” simply leaves out approximately 97 percent of the information needed to answer the question.

Once I understood what was happening, we could talk through it, and their adoption professional could provide the specific instructions they needed.

That is one of the strange things about domestic adoption. You can spend months preparing for every possible scenario, and then someone calls you on a Tuesday and says there's a baby.

Step 10: Prepare for the Hospital, Placement, and Bringing Your Baby Home

The hospital experience in a domestic adoption can be joyful, emotional, uncomfortable, beautiful, heartbreaking, and sometimes several of those things in the same afternoon.

Remember that the woman who has just given birth is the baby's mother unless and until the legal adoption process changes that. Her wishes and needs should be respected during the hospital experience, with your adoption professionals helping everyone understand appropriate roles and expectations.

This isn't the time to arrive with a predetermined script for how everything is supposed to happen. Even the most carefully discussed hospital plan may need to change once the baby arrives and everyone is experiencing the reality of the moment.

If the baby is born in another state and is placed with you, you may need to remain there while ICPC—the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children—is completed. Your adoption professionals will tell you when you are legally permitted to return to your home state with the baby.

Eventually, you may walk through your own front door carrying a baby. After the paperwork, interviews, waiting, phone calls, profiles, decisions, and uncertainty, that moment can feel wonderfully ordinary.

You are home with your child.

Step 11: Remember That Placement Is Not the End of the Adoption Process

Bringing your baby home is a huge milestone, but the legal adoption process isn't finished yet. Your home study agency or social worker will generally conduct required post-placement visits, and your attorney will guide you through the legal requirements necessary for finalization. Timing and specific requirements vary depending on applicable state law and the circumstances of the adoption.

Eventually, you will have your adoption finalization hearing. For many families, it is a wonderfully happy day. There may be a judge, photographs, grandparents, siblings, and a baby who sleeps through the entire event, completely unaware of the mountain of paperwork everyone completed to get there.

Finalization closes an important legal chapter, but being an adoptive family continues long after everyone leaves the courthouse. Your child's adoption story will be part of his or her life, and conversations about adoption, birth family, identity, belonging, and sometimes loss will change as your child grows.

Your goal isn't simply to complete an adoption. It is to become the parent your child needs throughout a lifetime.

You Don't Have to Figure Out How to Adopt a Baby All at Once

If you reached this article because you typed “How do I adopt a baby?” into a search box, you may have arrived feeling completely overwhelmed. I hope you feel a little differently now.

There are many steps in the domestic adoption process, but you do not have to complete them today. You don't even have to understand all of them today. Start by learning, choose good professionals, complete your home study, prepare thoughtfully, and ask questions whenever something doesn't make sense.

There will probably be moments when you feel excited and moments when you wonder whether you can really do this. There may be paperwork that makes absolutely no sense the first time you read it. There may be waiting that lasts longer than you hoped. There may also be a phone call someday that changes your life before you've even had time to put on your shoes.

Take it one step at a time. Thousands of adoptive parents once stood somewhere very similar to where you are now, wondering how in the world they were supposed to get from “We want to adopt” to “We're parents.”

They learned, prepared, asked questions, accepted help, and kept going.

You can, too.

Ready to Take the Next Step in Your Domestic Adoption Journey?

Knowing the steps is one thing. Keeping track of everything you need to research, ask, compare, prepare, and decide is another. That's why we created the Domestic Adoption Toolkit.

The Toolkit was designed to help prospective adoptive parents move through the domestic adoption process with more confidence and fewer “Wait—were we supposed to know that?” moments. It combines our comprehensive adoption guide with interactive worksheets, checklists, questions to ask adoption professionals, planning tools, and resources you can return to throughout your journey.

You don't need to become an adoption expert before you adopt. You need good information, trustworthy professionals, thoughtful preparation, and somewhere to turn when the next question comes up.

If you prefer personal support, you can also schedule an adoption coaching session with me. Sometimes you don't need another article or another Google search. You just need to sit down with someone, explain what's happening, and ask, “Okay. What do we do next?”

That's a question I'm very accustomed to hearing.